We choose each other not by chance

Why exactly him? Why her? Each meeting from which love is born seems to us the result of a chain of wonderful coincidences. In fact, the choice is predetermined by the entire previous course of our lives.


Why did two people, after working together for three years, look at each other with new eyes just now? What pushes another couple into the embraces of each other arms? It would seem, there are so many factors that separate them: age, education, and social status. Why someone who said he would never be dating women from Ukraine falls in love with a Slavic beauty? Is this an accident? Of course not. Even if each acquaintance seems to us the result of a chain of unforeseen coincidences, in our hearts, we always have a certain set of criteria that we cannot consciously formulate, but which nevertheless determines our choice.

According to the French psychologist Jean-Claude Kaufman, every person is like a hermit crab: our personality is sentenced to perpetual seclusion in the sink, and the only chance to get out of it is to trust a loved one to come up with each other again. And yet we are collective beings, we have a biological need for contact.


  •     We date those who we already know

You don’t need to be a sociologist to state: our chances of meeting increase significantly if we study at the same faculty, work in the same company, live in the same area, go to the same fitness club. But this does not mean that we only get to know people our circle. Love is a more subtle matter. We meet only those who already exist in our subconscious. A partner attracts us because his image has been living inside us since childhood, therefore, a beautiful prince or princess is a person whom we have been waiting for and “knew” for a long time.



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  •     Getting away from loneliness

The emotional connection with the mother leaves an indelible mark on our soul, and therefore in adulthood, we always strive to repeat our early experience. For a young child, a relationship with a mother is equivalent to his whole life. No other relationship will ever be so meaningful. A child’s irrational fear of being alone entails the need for a close relationship with another that accompanies us all our lives. Such a fantasy may arise: “If I remain small, helpless, the other will not leave me.” And that is why our first partners often resemble our moms.


  •     The one who will complete me

Today we put too many hopes in relationships, we want them to be impeccable, ideal. Perhaps that is why we are looking for a partner who looks like a person who has everything that we would like for ourselves. We are looking for a mirror that reflects a positive image of ourselves.

There may be a rational reason for finding a partner that would compliment us, but it may also be that a person does not want to recognize some of his qualities and as if “transfers” them to another. For example, subconsciously considering herself stupid and naive, a woman will find a partner who will embody the wisdom and the ability to make adult decisions – and thus blame him for herself, so helpless and defenseless.


  •     Or on the contrary…

We can “transfer” to another also those qualities that we don’t like about ourselves – in this case, a partner is constantly a person who is weaker than us, who has the same problems as ours, but in a more pronounced form.

In psychoanalysis, this tactic is called “the exchange of dissociations” – it allows us to not notice our own shortcomings, while the partner becomes the carrier of all those properties that we do not like in ourselves. For example, to hide her own fear of action, a woman can fall in love only with weak men who suffer from depression.

To see another in another is a great psychological achievement. Sometimes we choose a partner because he plays for us the role of any of our part, which is not necessarily positive, often even vice versa, unpleasant and rejected. For example, if you do not like your own laziness and sloppiness, it can turn out that your loved one possesses precisely these qualities. Thus, you get the internal right to say that it is he who is lazy, but you do not have this problem.




  •     Fight fire with fire

The unification of people is often based on the principle of similarity, sometimes complete. It is thanks ti is that the narcissistic personality aspires, choosing a partner who is similar to her not only internally, but also externally, and sometimes even with the same name.

A narcissistic girl, for instance, wants the partner to speak her language, experience the same feelings, but, on the other hand, she wants to be constantly praised and recognized for her unusualness. When two such people begin to live together, mutual demands and envy ultimately destroy their relationship.


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